Monday, November 16, 2009
I have to say this fall has been a more difficult one for me than past years. The settling into a new life away from my family and friends has hit me harder. Or is it that I am just struggling over Meggan more this year. Not a day goes by that something doesn't happen that makes me reminisce about my loving sister. The kids do something that reminds me of when she and I were kids or I hear a song that she used to play so much that it drove me nuts (like ANY Journey song). I thank god that I had the relationship I had with her. I have no regrets that she may not have known how much I loved her. She knew how much her family and friends loved her that is for certain.
I think that I hit every step of the grieving process when Meggan died. I truly believe I did. Angry... Denial... Sad... I did it all. But, when we come to November 9th I can't help but relive all of those steps and that night as well as the 9 days after that and the 18 years without her... All the what if's that go thru my mind. What if I stayed in that night would this have happened. What if Meggan had still been sick like the week before the accident and had to stay home. What if those kids did not have a car to use as a lethal weapon that killed 3 innocent girls... What if!!!!
It is almost like when you loose your keys and you retrace your steps to find them. I go thru something similar at this time of year. I retrace my steps of those days that changed our lives forever. The accident (how, when what, where...) the hospital and the horrible images I will never be able to forget of my sister... Holding and comforting Meggan's friend through the tragedy and wanting to be there for them and protect them from what they were about to face... Watching my parents have to bury and grieve their child.... The funerals I attended in honor of my sister and so I could tell her when she woke up that I went for her to honor her friends, Kate and Emily... And then the realization that Meggan was never going to wake up. Oh how I wish I could take that away. But, that is the reality of this tragedy. You can't ignore it!
And then there is the part of the tragedy that I struggle with more and more and that is my kids never getting to have a relationship with her. They will never have their mom's sister in their life... She is just an image and story to them. She is not real because they have never met her. They have sent her balloons, made pictures for her for the cemetery and prayed to her, but that is it. They ask frequently about meeting her, but she is just an image... I often wonder does Meg come to them in their dreams. Because there are things they talk about or do that make me wonder. One day Jack drew a picture of her and she had tears coming down her face. I asked him why is Auntie Meggan crying and he said because she wants to meet us. What do you say to that? Or Meggan went thru a period where every picture she drew had the # 17 on it. Why??? I have no idea. She did not even know that the # 17 was. Where does it come from? I can't help but wonder if she has talked to them in their dreams.
Please continue to pray and send angel alerts to all that loved and so dearly miss the amazing, free-spirit and loving girl Meggan was....