The Pontow Family Blog

The Pontow Family Blog

Monday, November 16, 2009

Time...



I have to say this fall has been a more difficult one for me than past years. The settling into a new life away from my family and friends has hit me harder. Or is it that I am just struggling over Meggan more this year. Not a day goes by that something doesn't happen that makes me reminisce about my loving sister. The kids do something that reminds me of when she and I were kids or I hear a song that she used to play so much that it drove me nuts (like ANY Journey song). I thank god that I had the relationship I had with her. I have no regrets that she may not have known how much I loved her. She knew how much her family and friends loved her that is for certain.

I think that I hit every step of the grieving process when Meggan died. I truly believe I did. Angry... Denial... Sad... I did it all. But, when we come to November 9th I can't help but relive all of those steps and that night as well as the 9 days after that and the 18 years without her... All the what if's that go thru my mind. What if I stayed in that night would this have happened. What if Meggan had still been sick like the week before the accident and had to stay home. What if those kids did not have a car to use as a lethal weapon that killed 3 innocent girls... What if!!!!

It is almost like when you loose your keys and you retrace your steps to find them. I go thru something similar at this time of year. I retrace my steps of those days that changed our lives forever. The accident (how, when what, where...) the hospital and the horrible images I will never be able to forget of my sister... Holding and comforting Meggan's friend through the tragedy and wanting to be there for them and protect them from what they were about to face... Watching my parents have to bury and grieve their child.... The funerals I attended in honor of my sister and so I could tell her when she woke up that I went for her to honor her friends, Kate and Emily... And then the realization that Meggan was never going to wake up. Oh how I wish I could take that away. But, that is the reality of this tragedy. You can't ignore it!

And then there is the part of the tragedy that I struggle with more and more and that is my kids never getting to have a relationship with her. They will never have their mom's sister in their life... She is just an image and story to them. She is not real because they have never met her. They have sent her balloons, made pictures for her for the cemetery and prayed to her, but that is it. They ask frequently about meeting her, but she is just an image... I often wonder does Meg come to them in their dreams. Because there are things they talk about or do that make me wonder. One day Jack drew a picture of her and she had tears coming down her face. I asked him why is Auntie Meggan crying and he said because she wants to meet us. What do you say to that? Or Meggan went thru a period where every picture she drew had the # 17 on it. Why??? I have no idea. She did not even know that the # 17 was. Where does it come from? I can't help but wonder if she has talked to them in their dreams.

Please continue to pray and send angel alerts to all that loved and so dearly miss the amazing, free-spirit and loving girl Meggan was....

3 comments:

Rusty's music of the heart said...

Dearest Jen,
You write so beautifully; you are so articulate. Maybe YOU should write a book! My heart aches when I think of all you have missed without your sister. That, and the cold, frigid realization that NOONE can ever replace her. So much was taken from you...I will never understand. It breaks my heart, too, to know that none of our grandchildren will ever know their Auntie Meggan - one of the many injustices in our lives. If I had one wish that could be granted, it would be that Meggan could be here with all of us. Someone asked me if we had closure yet - a very well meaning woman - but clearly she has no idea of the fact that there is never closure with the loss of a child - never.
I love you, Jen. Mom

the whimsical butterfly said...

Oh, Jen...my heart breaks all over again but your mom is right-you do write so beautifully. I hold such a special place in my heart and seeing her beautiful picture on my blog today, my heart just breaks. I think you are so brave for putting out there all you do and I am so glad to have you in my life. Big hugs today...I am thinking of you and send much love. ~Jess

Donna said...

Came by to give you a virtual {{hug}} from Meggan's friend Jessica's blog since she posted about her. I'm so sad for your loss - your sister was a beautiful girl. I have not experienced your loss, I have 2 beautiful older sisters but we have all endured the loss of our parents (dad when I was 9 and mom at 25) so I know the loss of family...the holes in your heart never heal. I can also relate to the what ifs because I have gone over them as well. I have no idea if your sister can communicate with your kids, but one thing's for sure - you & your familie's determination to have her a part of their lives in some form (the balloons, the praying) helps her be 'real' to them. You have a beautiful family (I love the picture on your banner)